“April, the second month of the ancient Roman calendar, dedicated to the goddess Venus and perhaps based on Apru, an Etruscan borrowing of the Greek, Aphrodite.” From www.dictionary.com
Dear Susan,
I really believed that my girlfriend and I would work on my house so that we could enjoy it for the fall and winter. We went over the plans together; I listened to her suggestions and even adjusted some of the design features. Now she’s announced that she’s going away with her girlfriends. What do I do?
Matthew - Carpinteria, CA
Dear Matthew,
It sounds as if your idea of sharing this creative project may be different from hers. Did you say “my house; my yard; my plans” each time you were discussing this? Did you ever sense that she wanted to join you there as a full-time resident? Often allowing someone to help with a project may appear to them as if you are inviting them into your life, as a real partner. If she didn’t have that sense and wanted it, or if she sensed you shifting from commitment to a less consistent connection, this would explain her making other plans that don’t include you. However, if you had a habit of generating open, honest and peaceful communication about what is important to you and allowing and guiding that in her, then you would not be so surprised by this seemingly sudden occurrence. When you “take the temperature of your relationship” on a regular basis it allows you the time to adjust and meet one another’s needs so that come what may, you’re creating a great life together!
Sincerely yours,
Susan
Dear Susan,
I love cats; I just can’t stand the way my best friend’s cat jumps all over everything! I’m allergic and I need to explain that I love her and her pet and need some help so that I don’t sneeze and wheeze whenever I visit her.
Belinda - Santa Barbara, CA
Dear Belinda,
This is a great opportunity for you as the ability to motivate others to meet our needs in a peaceful and cooperative way is the cornerstone to all relationships. Asking your friend if she would be willing to hear about a problem you’re having and that you really want support in resolving would be a great way to begin. When she says “yes,” you can say that you love her cat and that you’re suffering with allergies and wonder if together you can develop some strategies to protect you during visits. Options include visiting on the day she vacuums or having her vacuum just before you visit. Make sure that the A/C is on or the windows are open too. Always sit in a chair without upholstery and be sure that she has vacuumed all the furniture, too. If you find that generating so much cooperation is beyond your reach right now, spend the time together at your house, and only stop by her place for quick visits. As you continue to practice these communication skills, cooperation is the natural outcome.
Sincerely yours,
Susan
Susan Allan offers monthly by-donation workshops in Santa Barbara, the first and third Wednesdays of each month from 6-8 p.m. at 330 E. Carrillo St. Allan has appeared on The Montel Williams Show and Fox News. Susan Allan is a leading relationship expert and creator of Marital Mediation©, available through The Marriage Forum Inc. in Santa Barbara and offers love, marriage and divorce coaching and mediation. For answers to your questions and for a one-hour, free, private telephone coaching session, contact susanallan@themarriageforum.com |
